Woke up in fight or flight because my parents and sibling are having a screaming match. Heard the sibling start crying from anger and it just triggered me into a rage and unfortunately I was blinded by anger and joined in on the fight. You’d think we’re in teenagers right? Nope, grown adults, still living with our parents because of money issues. I’m working on my finances so I can move out soon but man, having emotionally immature parents is exhausting. They never understand, they’re so scared of their own emotions. God forbid we even get angry or feel any negative feelings towards them. Now my dad exploded on me, asking me why I never tell them anything about my life, then proceeded to tell me my life isn’t going well because I’m not a practicing Catholic and I don’t pray enough.
I told them I don’t trust them enough and that my life isn’t their business. Now they took it as extreme disrespect because I didn’t help them regulate theit emotions. How? What they don’t know about me makes them feel anxious. I need to tell them stuff to alleviate their anxiety. It’s not gonna work that way. I’m tired of being their emotional punching bag. It’s always us kids that need to adjust to them. Mom has severe anger issues? We adjust. We don’t trigger her. If she gets triggered, we tolerate it because “she just needs to vent” and then she eventually calms down. Dad has severe anxiety? We stop whatever it is that makes him anxious so the anxiety goes away.
God this is so much. I’m not even blaming them anymore for what happened with my life. I’m working to fix mine but it’s taking time. It took me years to even figure shit out about why I feel so alone even when I’m with them. Shit happens, emotions rise and fall. But today it’s finally clicked in me that they can be nice people and be shit parents at the same time. The intention is to do good but damn the execution is insanely flawed and now that they want a closer family relationship with us, it’s just not gonna happen the way they want it to.
I’m tired of feeling all the guilt I shouldn’t even be having. I’m tired of the passed on anxiety of things I don’t even know is gonna happen. I’m tired of catering to emotionally immature parents who can’t even see their own behaviours and reflect on it. I’m working on getting out of this house, it feels like a crawl sometimes but I’ll get there. You never really know what happens behind closed doors.
This semester’s going great so far. I don’t have to be on campus the whole week, I have time to eat, sleep and work out and I even have a cute teacher! I’m not doing anything with that last one though but a little semester crush that keeps me coming to school is appreciated.
Another day of having to remind myself that not spending unnecessarily is my choice. I’m not trying to deprive myself, I just need to change my relationship with money and shopping when bored or unsatisfied with my life. It’s hard, my brain loves making all the excuses to buy whatever.
It’s been a week of me trying to challenge myself with no-spend days. I just want to create a streak of 14 days and I have yet to keep at it. It’s so hard 🥲 my biggest struggle seems to be that using stuff up bores me and my brain craves something new by wanting to buy. I need to distract myself.
I’m on my way to college. Had such a fun weekend with friends and family in the mountains. I never get tired of Banff and the views, I’m super grateful I have access to beautiful places. I hope I can keep the good vibes from the rest I got for two days.
Such a simple task but I really enjoy doing laundry. I find it very relaxing and folding the clothes after is almost like meditation. Thankful I can enjoy even the smallest things.
When I first discovered BookTube 9 years ago, I became very obsessed with it. I would watch it all day long and add every book to my never ending wishlist. It was fun to see so many different types of people with all different tastes share what books they’re currently reading. On that note though, I really loved watching the channels where they focused a lot more on older books and not trying to only showcase new releases. One of my favorite channels was Louise from TheBigHairedBookworm.
She has since stopped releasing newer videos but I rediscovered her channel again before Christmas while I was purging the channels I’m subscribed to. Now I’ve made it a small project to slowly watch all her videos from the oldest to the newest and list down all the books she mentions in her videos. I want to be more engaged with the videos I’m watching because I feel like it’s such a waste of time and mental energy to me to just passively let Youtube videos play in the background. I want to retain the information I’m watching so what better thing to do than to take notes.
I also want to just be more mindful of my media consumption because it’s so easy to waste a couple of hours every day just getting sucked into the never-ending Youtube algorithm showing me more and more videos I could watch. One after the other, more and more. It literally makes me feel like crap when I end up in one of those spirals. I would like to slowly train myself not to crave Youtube videos but to want to read a book instead or write in my journal or meditate or go for a workout. It’s such a struggle. I’m so used to just sitting down and scrolling non-stop on my phone to entertain myself because it’s so low effort. I don’t mind doing it occasionally like when I’m hanging out with my partner but other than that I’d like to give my brain a break.
I’ll give updates on how this little experiment is going as time goes by. The first smallest step I’ve done is to keep my phone charging away from my bed and used a small digital alarm clock to wake me up in the morning instead. I’ve set my phone to Sleep mode too and I have it on Silent so I don’t get woken up by any message notification that might come through in the nighttime. I also decided to bring my Kobo e-reader with me to bed and use that to entertain myself to sleep and to entertain myself when I first wake up instead of my phone and social media. Its onty been day 1 so I’ll see how it goes at the end of the week. We’ll see if it sticks.
Found my old Kodak digital camera and it still works great so I’m gonna do an experiment where I’ll bring it with me everywhere so I can use it to take pictures instead of my phone. It’s pretty fun to use and it’s also pretty easy to upload the photos in my laptop to post online. Hope it sticks!
Don’t mind the messy background but I managed to finish these three bandanas in two days for three tweens in my family asking for them. It felt super nice cause I got to use some more of my yarn. I hope I can make more next year to use up what I have.
I finished my last final exam today! I’m finally free for this semester! I’m so happy and relieved I took a long, fat nap when I got home. Well deserved I must say, it has been a rough semester. I’m glad it’s over.
Sometimes life is just not it. sighs I can’t wait until my last two final exams are over and I’m officially done with this semester. I just really hope I somewhat pass my classes. This is exhausting.
I just listened to a podcast episode talking about creativity and skill learning and they were talking about the discomfort of learning new things. I knew I had to be comfortable with the discomfort but I didn’t realize how deeply I avoid failing. Even when I do practice quizzes for classes, I can’t stand the idea of getting the answers wrong that I just don’t do them sometimes. But then I don’t learn. I’m going to work on that because this is just insane that my thought is to give up instead of just repeat it again until I get it right.
Why I Picked It: this book got chosen because I saw Gab Smolders recommend it in one of her horror book wrap ups. she described it as a fast read slasher book. I don’t really have a lot of experience with slasher stories so this stood out to me.
First Impressions: everyone was unlikeable, I honestly didn’t mind if all of them died in the end. the story is fun though, especially the mystery of it all.
While Reading: got bored in some parts especially since I didn’t like any of the characters. when the pacing started ramping up though it became much more engaging.
Final Thoughts: this is a solid recommendation for a slasher/horror book i’d say. it was gory but nothing too disgusting that turned me off, and I actually liked the ending, very fitting.
Would I Recommend It? yes, especially if you’re a fan of monster horror books, one of the later sequences felt like I was watching a movie, it was great.
The Experience Log
Where I Read It: in my room while sitting on my computer chair
Mood It Gave Me: tension and thrill,I was so curious what was gonna happen next that I kept reading
Three Things I Loved:
loved the pacing of the story, when the action started, I couldn’t stop reading
loved how short and to the point it is
loved that there was no extreme cheesiness even though there was a slight romance plot line
One Thing That Bugged Me: **click to reveal spoiler**
even though I know the author likes to genre bend, it kind of took a little bit of the scare factor for me when it was revealed that the main creature is an alien. heck, it even reminded me of certain inter-galactic races from multiple universe fantasy/litRPG books I've read. especially with the hatred for humans + using the planet as a food source. still enjoyed the story though. just kind of meh.
Lingering Feeling: finishing this book made me want to finish other unfinished ones. maybe i’ll look for another short horror novel.
Weather or vibe: hectic as fuck, exam seasons are the worst
One word for the week: BUSY
Highlights
Best moment: having dinner at a restaurant with my boyfriend and getting random free food (garlic parmesan bread sticks), it was soo good! but then again, free food always tastes better hahaha
Something I learned: how to style my short hair using a heated round brush! I’ve had this tool forever but I just finally learned how to use it so my hair is all fluffy and volumized
A challenge I faced: my eyeglasses lost a screw and my lens popped off. good thing I have contact lenses left because I had to order a repair kit online and I have to wait for it to come.
Hobbies & Creative Time
Fibre Arts: I finished a beanie and one fingerless mitt! they’re both crochet and I took my time in making them. the yarn I used came from a frogged project that I didn’t want to continue anymore. I think it’s a good decision.
Reading: the only reading I did was read Kill Hill Carnage by Tim Meyer for five minutes when I remembered it. i’m about 70% of my way through an admittedly short book. just really need to prioritize it over other hobbies so I can finally finish the story.
Cooking/Baking: haven’t done much of this since the semester started this past September. I’m hoping i’ll get more time during the holiday break but we’ll see.
Gaming: I started Winter Burrow a couple of weeks back and still haven’t picked it back up after doing nothing all day but play it one Sunday. It felt like such a waste of time. i’ll revisit that thought surrounding video games in the future because I enjoy them, I want a healthier relationship with it
Journaling: experimented with bullet journaling this week because it felt too restricting using a mead planner I got from walmart. so far i’m enjoying it a lot. less pressure.
Fitness: aside from all the walking while working, I haven’t really been intentionally working out except for wednesday when I did 40 minutes of strength training. I had the stomach flu last weekend so I was off working out for a week to recover.
Media Consumed
Movies / TV Shows: some episodes of hemlock grove. i’ve never seen this show and so far it’s pretty interesting. i’m literally only in episode 4 though.
Asian Dramas: i’ve been bouncing from one drama to the next recently. can’t seem to find any that catches my attention.
Books: kill hill carnage by tim meyers. 70% of the way. will read it tonight before bed, yay!
Games: nothing this week.
Gratitude Corner
Three things I’m grateful for:
i’m super grateful for how beautiful snow days are even though it feels cold outside. the brightness of the surroundings when sunlight hits the snow is super magical.
i’m grateful for friends who join me to study and who are super supportive and encouraging as well.
i’m super grateful for my continuous practice of meditation and how it has impacted my anxiety positively.
Looking Ahead
One intention for next week: might not be the healthiest but study, study, study. exam is on friday and I don’t want to fail. just focus on my tasks one day at a time.
One hobby I want to prioritize: crochet, because I want to be able to finish the other fingerless mitt so I can use them before the winter is over. i’ll prioritize reading another time after all the reading I need for exams.
P.S. food in the photo is my favorite food combos ever. any sort of cheesy bread and tomato soup. heaven!
After I finished the beanie, I still had a lot of the cream colored yarn leftover. So I decided to start making fingerless gloves. Every time I’m on campus and I’m working on my laptop, my hands start getting too cold. I don’t want to wear gloves because I can’t feel the keyboard well. I think this will be an accessory that will be used often.
I just finished one of the gloves, time to make the other one. I’m 100% sure I’ll still have leftover yarn from this but I think I’m gonna make a huge hair bow to use when my hair gets a bit longer and I can tie it up. Again, I’m taking my time with these projects, I don’t want to just make it for the sake of the product. I want to enjoy the process too.
That’s it for project updates. I hope it doesn’t take me forever to finish the other one.
Pattern is called Textured Fingerless Gloves by CarolAnne Creations. I found it on Ravelry when I was searching for free accessory patterns using DK weight yarn in crochet. I’m kind of in a crochet kick right now after being steeped in knitting for a good chunk in the beginning of the year. The yarn I’m using is the same as the beanie, Paintbox yarns, DK.
I was listening to a podcast yesterday on slow living and this quote from the host caught my attention. She used it to illustrate the type of mentality that she had before she chose to live more intentionally. The hustle mindset. It made me think of my own actions and how easy it is to think that everything is up to me. I just have to work hard and not take as much breaks and be productive all the time.
Right now I'm in college, doing my best to finish a degree. As much as I want to not do much and take everything easy, I do have a busy schedule. I want to do well in classes and I want to actually understand what I'm learning. What I'm trying to do is find balance with school, work and my life. Easier said than done of course but I'm making headway.
This week, after recovering from a stomach flu last weekend, I made sure I'm not over working myself by putting too much on my to-do list and my schedule. If I manage to finish two or three tasks in the day then I'm happy. So far, it's actually been really nice! I haven't felt as much anxiety or muscle tension from stress the same way I've been feeling the last couple of weeks before I got sick. Yesterday, after four days of not working out I got myself to start back up and it went great, because I'm not tired anymore and have more strength.
Next week will be my last week of classes this semester and the beginning of exam week. I have my first exam on Friday. I haven't studied for it as much yet. But you know what? I'm not panicking about it like I was. It was for the better too because now, I can think much more clearly, and everything I've been studying is actually being absorbed. I just need to tie up other loose ends for other class projects that need to be done and I can focus on preparing for the exams.
I know my life probably seems really trivial with all the school and work mundanity, but I'm actually learning a lot. I don't think life is supposed to be all high energy and excitement. I'm slowly learning how to appreciate the small little things that make up my days. Learning how to be a better student is part of the process. It's still hard, some days it feels like the end of the world but I'm getting better at being mindful so I can detach from those thought spirals.
Slow and steady is my motto for this life chapter.
After one year, I decided to get a haircut. My hair is so fine that long hair just flattens it out too much. It’s the first time I’ve cut my hair this short though. I’ve always wanted to but I didn’t feel comfortable when I was still bigger. I thought I would look like an egg lol. I love it though!
I haven’t been meditating for long and I mostly use guided ones but am I glad I started it. It has made such a difference with my daily levels of anxiety and how I cope with stress around me. I honestly thought it wouldn’t do anything for me. It’s very subtle, but I’m not as reactive anymore.
Some thoughts I have regarding writing and blogging:
I have so many thoughts running in my head but I’m scared to share it in the wide web.
At the same time I have this urge to put them somewhere more than mt physical notebooks. Any place where they can stand free on their own and serve as memento of how I think at this age, at this time of my life.
I want to be freer when expressing myself in general. Years of shutting myself up to not offend is a hard habit to break. I don’t want to be scared of even talking about my feelings without fear of judgement.
It’s actually fun to read other peoples’ blogs thay are very diary/journal type! Used to read a ton of those in the early days of the 2010s. I’m glad to have discovered them again.
Just writing in general was a skill I’ve been avoiding for the longest time growing up. Weird, I know. But being the anxious kid that I was, I could not fathom how to even begin writing essays in schools and I always overthought everything. Did I really know fact a, b, or c? Or am I making that up? Do I need to absolutely know everything in order for my opinions to be valid? Ahhhh so much wild things to think of. Now I want to get rid of that doubt. Seems like a small thing but it has been holding me back in a way.
People don’t need to read anything I write. I just want to cast it into the void and let it stay there.
I hope in a thousand years or so my little blog would be part of a study by future humans (or more haha) of how life was like in 2025. From a 30 year old who just got their shit together.
I don’t think I strive to be the most refined writer out there. I just want my own voice to shine through. I think I can do that.
Just had a long conversation with a friend about how we have so much creative and childish fantasies in our head but we can’t do it because we’re poor. All our time is being siphoned to make money so we could have a semi-decent future. I still have hope for the world but right now it’s really hard.
I finally finished my beanie! Just in time for all the snow to come in. It took me a lot longer than I usually would. Mostly because I actually took my time to finish it. It wasn’t a priority, just something I can do at the end of a long day. Back then, my priorities were all over the place. I would procrastinate to the nth and would finish a book or sprint through a project rather than do what actually mattered (aka school or work). In the spirit of trying to change for the better and also not injure myself, this time I managed to stretch out this project in about a week.
The difference? I actually appreciate it more, unsurprisingly. The size was the right one, I remembered for the most part how to do the project, and I now know where this particular yarn went. I have so much more projects that I made just cause and in the future I’ll unravel them and re-use the yarn into something different but for now, here’s to learning how to slow down.
I can’t wait to think of what project I want to do next.
This is so good! If I could stuff my face with it I 100% would but I have to stop myself from inhaling this much sugar 😂 will have to grab some more before the holidays end because I have a feeling this is a seasonal flavor. My second favorite ritter sport would be the pretzel one. Crunchy!
Current project. I’ve been taking my time with them now. It’s gonna be a beanie, which is perfect because snow’s finally here. I love frogging old projects to reuse the yarn. Probably why I still haven’t made a dent in my huge stash lol yarn is paintbox DK. To pompom or not to pompom?
